modern day tinkerbell

she goes to bars
alone not looking
for anything if that’s possible

more than once ridiculous men
have told her she looks
like an elf fairy nymph (0)

she does wear a lot of green

she’s learnt to laugh about it no not laugh
but giggle she giggles
and envisions:

disneyland tinkerbell saving
her peter pan

a woman w/ that kinda power’s much easier
to swallow(?)
b/c she’s able to save
him from sticky situations
w/ other women

talk about a one way street of monogamy

she appeases these conversations hints that there will be
resolutions implies i’ll save
you. i’ll be
loyal, no matter
what/who you do.

she curbs it when
she’s coming when she’s
directed someone to let
her come
and repeats
the prayer, to herself:

i’ll save you. i’ll be
loyal, no matter what/who
you do.

to the odd woman inside me that wants to further pursue academia

she is poised. perfect at the front of the lecture hall. got there w/ ease, elegance. stilted sound of heels w/ each step. everything has gone as planned for the day. the reality, if i were a professor, would be more alone the lines of:

leave the house 10 mins late, to put on pantyhose at stop lights. brush my hair quickly after parking. run into school to make it to my 1st class, only to realize that if i don't get some caffeine in me, i'll be sleeping w/ the students. when hurrying back i scold my chest, while wearing a white blouse w/ a huge coffee stain on my breasts. try to button a sweater too small, one i keep in my office in hope that my torso might shrink--it sits atop my mini-fridge stocked w/ bread and 4 kinds of cheese--it looks awkward, unkempt.

forget the notes for my lecture. let's coax them into talking about the text instead. i can tell no one's done the reading. they are waiting for plot summary. i bring up theorists and ask why it might be relevant to the larger themes of the text? for instance, in linking this passage from the novel to the handout last week... would someone be so kind as to lend me these things? thanks. ok.

as i read outloud there are several whispering students at the back of the class. i break off. you two! please! others are trying to focus.

getting back, so who can add analysis to this? a 1st year student who acts like she knows everything rambles on about the significance of the biblical allusions. it's a reach, tho i feign encouragement. well, what could be the implications of this?

i stare at a few dozen faces, most of whom are staring at blank pages, some are nodding off at the back. the whispering continues.

would someone like to choose a single passage from the beginning of the book that we might do a close reading of? it is as if i'm talking to myself. i cross my arms across my chest. lean on the podium. then, give a great grin. come on guys! it's my final plea. and half hearted at that. i keep smiling, hoping i might comfort someone into speaking. the same whispering students snicker. discouraged but not ready to quit, i read the 1st paragraph, only to be distracted by mummers.

that's it! clearly, there is somewhere else you'd like to be, and frankly i don't give a shit if that's where you are! you seem to have forgotten that you're paying to be here!

they leave. the final minutes are painful. a few students i know speak up to be kind. the rest who aren't sleeping, look scared. i wind up quickly, quietly. when i reach the bathroom in the hall, i cradle the sink, then look up at my sweaty face and give that ridiculous grin, only to see that a large piece of spinach is lodged between my two front teeth.